I decided to do a 31 day blogging challenge that I saw on Pinterest to help you get to know me a little better. Find Day 1, Day 2, Day 3 & 4 here. Today’s topic: What’s your earliest childhood memory?
What’s your earliest childhood memory?
This one was difficult. So many fuzzy memories, but I can’t place where they belong on my life timeline. I remember small snippets such as my surprise 4th birthday party at my cousin’s house, playing house, school and radio DJ with my sister, my dad mowing the grass, going a few vacations. I remember playing with kittens in our yard, getting horses, getting my ears pierced, and going to my grandparent’s house. But they seem so insignificant leading up to and overshadowed by one big dramatic event.
My sister died…
It IS the single defining moment of my childhood. My life changed forever and would/will never be the same. I was 8 years old and we were on Christmas break, I was at my cousin’s house because my sister was in the hospital. I stayed at many relatives houses while my parents took my sister to get bloodwork, go to clinics and hospitals. She had non-hodgkins lymphoma. She was 12. On the day my sister died, I remember listening to Harry Connick Jr. on tape with my cousins in their bedroom.
My aunt and uncle told me my parents were there. I walked in the living room, happy they were there, but confused because I was supposed to stay longer. One look at my dad and I was even more confused. His face was red and he was crying, he was barely holding himself together. My whole world slowed down…my dad never cries. I know my mom told me that Casey died, but I don’t remember the look on her face or the words she told me. My aunt helped me gather my things as my cousins were crying and she said a prayer. I don’t remember the car ride home, but I do remember wanting to ask to see her, but decided not to ask because I didn’t want to cause my parents more heartache. That behavior has stayed with me to this day…
I remember bits and pieces after that too, like the funeral, going on vacation a few months later on spring break, which was already booked. I remember the sadness in our home and continuing with our lives. All of these memories are fuzzy too, which I suspect most childhood memories are for most people.
The after
I have done a lot of work over the past couple of years on healing these wounds that I “just lived” through. I never realized the ways they have formed my beliefs. Like the above mentioned heartache for my parents. I feel like I never “lived” because I didn’t want to hurt my parents with the possibility of disappointing or hurting them. Especially in college, I just went to class and did my work, I regret not living to the fullest while I was there. I’m still struggling with that a little bit. I have responsibilities now that I can’t just pick up and leave. Although the thought crosses my mind every now and then.
The older I get, the more these things are coming to the surface. The sadness of not having a sister, a bond that cannot be explained, or that my kids could have had cousin’s on my side. The ache is so strong sometimes with the loss of what if.
Gratitude
I am also grateful. I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned. That I have developed a deep sense of empathy and gratitude. I express my appreciation and gratitude towards those that I love and respect because I know that I don’t want to leave anything unsaid. My relationship with my parents is so close because we share this experience.
I am grateful for the person I’ve become and am continuing to become. If this hadn’t happened in my life, I don’t think I would have pushed forward to make myself better. I would have stayed in ‘status quo’ mode for the rest of my life. My spirituality has been shaped into a strength that I didn’t know I could have because of this experience, and I can be nothing but grateful.
A year ago, I could never have imagined how far I’ve come. I CANNOT wait to see what the next few years will bring. What will I discover, where will I be, who can I help?
Hi- I’ve just stumbled upon your post and wanted to let you know how much it resonated with me. I lost my 4-yr-old sister to cancer when I was ten in 1985 and I can relate to so many of the things you talk about. I was left an only child and am very close to my parents. I never truly faced my grief because I never wanted to upset my parents. I never wanted to be “that kid” who interfered with what they were dealing with. I never strayed far from them, went to a local college, and still live within 20 minutes of them today.
I don’t want to drag this out, but it’s hard to find someone who truly responded to the childhood loss of a sibling the way I did. For years I carried my grief silently. I never cried over her loss but carried the burden of my grief silently until my best friend took her life almost 4 years ago. Then it all came out. It was a nasty, gut wrenching, overdue response that had me grieving double. It felt like the loss of another sister. I’ve been trying to unpack all of this ever since.
I just wanted to thank you for opening up about the loss of your sister. It isn’t easy for many people to do and I appreciate being able to read the words of someone I can relate to.
Take care-
Beth H.
Beth,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your comment. It is also a comfort to ME to hear your words that you can relate to what I went through and are still going through. I’m sorry to hear about your friend and the wound that it uncovered, but I can also see that it has also created an opportunity to heal. I encourage you to continue to unpack what’s coming up as it will lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and deepen your relationship with yourself and others. I honor your grief of past, present and future. I honor your journey with my heart to yours. Namaste.