It’s ok to be sad

Over the past few months, I have been struggling.  Struggling with an overwhelming heaviness.  Sometimes deep despair that I don’t know if I’ll ever come out of, but also at the same time, I try to find the lesson I’m supposed to learn through it.  We are trying to sell our house, after which we are going to build our dream home.  My husband is working 80+ hours a week, while I am trying to keep our house “up” in case a random buyer wants to look at the house.  All while taking care of three kids and running to this practice and that meeting.

I believe I am struggling so much because I have the “I should be able to do this” mentality.  I really hit rock bottom about a month ago when I lost it on the kids.  They spilled milk on the carpet we had just shampooed and I lost it (I know, don’t cry over spilled milk).  I grabbed my daughter in a way that I’m embarrassed to be remembering.  I screamed at them to go away,  “Get out! I can’t be around you right now.”   The one I really let it out on went to her room and cried.  My littlest (4) ran outside and hid.  My oldest (8) tried to comfort me, which made me feel horrible because I just wanted to be alone, so I told him to go away.

While I sat in a puddle of self-pity, anger, disappointment and regret. I’ve never felt so low in my life, I called several people for help, and no one answered.  I honestly paced the room, wondering if I was going crazy, and how I would come back from it.  I was scared. I cried for the help and support I was not getting.  I cried for the life I was not living.  I cried for the fear I was instilling in my kids.  I cried for the way I was showing up.  I contemplated just running away.  Finally my SIL called me back and talked me off the ledge.

I learned a lesson that day.  I waited too long to take care of myself.  I am super mom, but I am also a human being with so many demands and responsibilities. It’s OK to ask for help.  It’s OK to take time for myself…to ask for a break. Even if it seems like “I should be able to do this” Yeah, I probably can, but at what expense?  If I don’t take care of myself, EVERYONE suffers.

As I’m learning this lesson, I’m realizing just how much I stuff down and don’t feel.  I have gained a significant amount of weight this year.  All while I am in an emotional mastery/weight loss support group.  I am finally getting that I don’t feel my feelings.  And the universe keeps sending me message after message.

• Don’t check in with yourself and see how stressed you are = BLOWUP
• Don’t feel your feelings and turn to food = Weight gain
• Try to push feelings away with a “good attitude” = Numbness
• Don’t feel how resentful and angry you are about responsibilities = relationship problems

These are just a few that I’m learning.

I received an email from a blog I follow today.  She was talking about this very thing. It was about her feelings around the election.  I struggled so hard the night of the election.  The struggle was so hard because I kept fighting the way I was feeling.  Just wanting to “get over it” and move on.  If I just sit with it, feel it and discover why, I deepen my understanding and connection to myself. This is the lesson I’m supposed to be learning right now, and the lesson I’m supposed to share.

I will give myself space to feel….no matter what the feeling is.  Sad, angry, disappointed, lonely, bored…whatever it is, it is OK to feel it.  To sit with it and be curious.  I want to be able to be curious and ask in a neutral state, why am I feeling this way? Instead of my reaction now…”hmmm, I’m feeling something, let’s fix that by eating something”.

I hear you loud and clear.  I want this for myself and for others who are struggling to FEEL. It is OK to sit with it and feel the un-comfortableness of it all.  Everything does not have to be “fine” all the time. Being “fine” is a lie. I give myself (and you) permission to give yourself space and sit with it.