I binged last night. So much so that I nearly threw up. THAT has never happened to me before. I’ve overeaten, but I’ve never dry heaved into the toilet. This happened as I was trying to get out the door with my kids to go to the library.
When I say binge, I mean consuming an extreme amount of food in very little time. I ate a cheese stick (starting off with healthy choices), a granola bar, a giant bowl of cereal (Cookie Crisps), chocolate chips, and around 5oz of M&M’s. To give that some context, a regular bag you get at the store is 1.69oz. I felt physically awful.
I kept waiting for the fear, disappointment, shame to come after such a spectacle and then to almost throw up because my body was revolting. I was waiting for the flood of tears for betraying my body yet again, but it never came…nothing. I did not feel anything except the physical grossness.
Why did I binge?
Why couldn’t I feel the disappointment after the binge? I binged because I was numbing myself. But from what? I realized it’s because of all of the unrest in the world right now. The division, the angry words and misunderstandings I keep reading about. I have held my tongue so much. I want to stand for what I believe, but I also want to show others what love looks like. Love looks at each other as we do our own kids and gushes with admiration and respect. A knowing smile of pride crosses love’s face, no matter what is done and what is said. I try to keep these thoughts in mind, and then I get on social media, or gets breaking news in my inbox.
Pushing it down
I feel it, now, in my chest, the anxiety and hopelessness. I am so busy trying to “rise above” that I’m not dealing with these feelings. Our first instinct of negative feelings is to try to turn it around. I tell myself “when they go low, we go high”, but that means I’m trying to dodge what I really feel, which is anger, resentment, outrage, disappointment, fear and hopelessness to name a few. Each day it’s seeming to get worse. And I don’t know where to go from there, so I numb. Maybe that’s some other vice for you, alcohol, smoking, commenting or sharing on Facebook. However it is you’re numbing, it’s time to deal with what’s going on inside.
Acknowledge your feelings
This morning, I really GOT the message. I don’t have to agree with everyone, I don’t have to object to everyone, but when I feel anger or disappointment (or any feeling) I MUST acknowledge it…and it’s ok, no matter what the feeling. It is ok to feel hopeless. It is ok to feel like the world is coming to an end… But acknowledge it.
Our Body is a Barometer
Our body is a barometer to what’s going on inside of us, and I never learned how to listen to it. Listening to my body is the hardest lesson I’m having to learn on my journey. It’s like learning a foreign language as an adult. After several attempts at speaking to someone in their native language with no success, you give up and walking away confused and eat a donut. At least that’s what I do. Then after it’s all over, I get it. “OH!!! THAT’S what they were trying to say, ‘I’m sad!'”
How to work through it
Feel how it feels in your body. For me, it’s a heaviness in my chest or a roundness in my stomach. It even moves as you’re noticing it. Don’t try to change it, just observe. Acknowledge whatever is coming up and release it as it goes. It seems such a simple exercise, but it’s incredibly easy to forget this. I have to keep reminding myself each and every time I slip.
Moving forward
I am not sure what the future holds. I only know that being consumed with social media and the news about the wholly. disappointing outlook from things dividing our country is not helping me or anyone. I am giving my power away by worrying about these things I cannot control. I will send my love to those that don’t understand me. I will work to make my voice heard while respectfully listening to others. I will take back my power by controlling how I feel and react to these circumstances. And I will give these uncertain times their credit for many teachable moments.
How are you handling all the unrest?
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