When you are around an anxious person, how do you feel? Irritated, annoyed, concerned, afraid, anxious yourself? Imagine being a child and feeling that from the very person that is there to protect you and make you feel safe? How can they feel safe when they feel your worry?

My daughter came home from school with a sign up sheet for the talent show.  She enthusiastically let me know that she wanted to be in it.  In my knee-jerk reaction I blurted out “Are you sure?  What would you do?” She said “I don’t know, I just want to be in it”.  Even more warily, I said “Do you even know what it is?  It’s where you stand on a stage up in front of everyone and do a talent.”  This time with the added touch of fear in my voice.  That caught her attention.  And she decided that she didn’t want to do it.

I crushed her spirit right then and there

So many thoughts were going through my mind. The time I sang the star spangled banner at a basketball game and my voice cracked and one of my teammates laughed.  All the times I was wrecked with nerves when I had performances (did I mention I used to be a voice major?).  In that moment, I unintentionally pushed all of my fears onto her.

Without even knowing it, I instilled a fear in her

I was afraid that she would mess up, that she would have the anxiety I have, that she would be embarrassed if she messed up.  Not to mention that I would have to make an effort to get her “ready” for whatever she wanted to do and I certainly don’t have the time or energy for that.  My gut reaction was fear.  It was physical, I could feel it in my stomach.

The talent show was this week, and after seeing all of those kids get up there and do their thang, I felt horrible.  What if my fear is holding my children back?  And worse, what if I’m pushing my fear down to my kids? I would never forgive myself.

I decided then and there, that I would NOT let my fear hold my kids back.  This will not be easy because it’s still my gut response, but I want to nurture my kids dreams, not crush them.  The world will throw enough criticism their way, I want to be their cheerleader and the one on the front lines…and that is so far out of my comfort zone it’s going to be a challenge.

The Unintended Consequences of Parental Fear on children

Having fear as a parent is natural.   You want to keep them safe, you want to protect them.  A healthy fear helps prevent risk, unhealthy fear creates long lasting effects.

• Creates fear in child
• Prevents children from learning through mistakes
• Reduce resilience
• Impacts mental health
• Rebellion in children
• Creates mistrust and anger
• Low self-esteem
• Poor decision making skills
• Life long fears and phobias

1. Check your fear at the gate

If your gut reaction is fear, notice it.  This is the mistake I made.  I just reacted.  Take a minute to breathe, and notice the feeling. If you don’t feel a positive response is going to come from it, take some time to think about a response.  Is this a valid fear or it’s from something coming from or within you. Tell your child that you’ll discuss it later if  you need more time.

2. Nurture their passions

Too often growing up, we abandon our passions because “we can’t make money” doing x or we’re not as good as so and so.  But is that still true?  I feel times have changed.  The internet can offer such a bigger platform and opportunity to share their passions and gifts. Get a YouTube channel, sell paintings online, share their music with social media, the options really are unlimited.

The internet can also help in getting them the skills to develop their passions as well.  There are online classes or coaches in almost any subject you want to learn.  When your child plays a sport, they have a coach, why not for singing or technology?

3. Support and learn even if you can’t relate

I’m sure there are a lot of parents out there that can’t relate to Minecraft, Fortnite, the piano, or even different styles of art. But if your kids is passionate about it, learn about it.  Google it, or better yet, have them teach you about it.  Kids love teaching their parents things.

4. Getting to the root of your fear

I work with a lot of coaches.  One of the stories that really stuck out to me was about a woman who ended up becoming  agoraphobic (not wanting to leave the house) as an adult.  She didn’t want to go out and just felt the world was not a safe place. While working with a coach, she discovered that when she was young, her dad was welding in his barn in the backyard.  When she came in, he screamed at her to get out so that she wouldn’t hurt her eyes.  His reaction was not intentionally hurtful or harmful in any way, he wanted to protect her from hurting her eyes from the welding flame. But she interpreted that as things weren’t safe, the world wasn’t safe. As she progressed through life, the more she believed that the world wasn’t safe, the more she evidence she saw.

Once she discovered this, she was able to heal this wound and rewrite her story. She is now able to live a normal life without the fears that once limited her world.

I realized with my daughter, I was afraid she would have to go through the pain that I went through, but most of all, I would have to relive those past pains that still brought up so much hurt, and it was best to avoid those if possible.  But that was ALL about me, and nothing to do with her.

Resources

Here are a few resources to help understand why your fears might be holding you back from being an amazing parent and letting your child

Books:

The Artist’s Way
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read
What Happened To You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

• Lead with compassion
• Lead with love
• Imagine yourself at their age, what would you have needed to feel safe, seen and heard?
• Listen to them, speak less

Even if you’ve passed some fears on to your kids (like I have) it’s never too late to open a line of conversation about it.  When my daughter got off the bus yesterday, I talked to her about my realization about the fear I was having.  I apologized that I pushed that on to her and that I believe in her.  When she decides what she wants to do, I will be there to support her and cheer her on.

We signed up for piano lessons yesterday.  🙂

Great parenting is an inside job. Our children hold up a mirror to what needs to heal in ourselves.  We learn and heal as our children grow. If you’re open to recognizing your reaction is fear base, nurturing their interests, supporting their passions and getting to the root of your fears, not only will you benefit from understanding yourself even more, but your children will benefit from having the most supportive environment to test their wings.  One of the number one things needed for success is an amazing support system.  Keep doing what you are doing and be their number one fan… even if you’re a little afraid…

I work with clients to uncover these traumas and heal to end generational traumas.  Contact me if you’re ready to heal and parent more consciously.